New Year

[sinku]

It is the 31st of December, at the time of writing it is 9 and a half hours until January 1st, 2025. What was your year like? What are you doing today, what are you doing tomorrow? Today, I'm not going anywhere to celebrate, I'll just be spending a little time with the family again like I did during Christmas. Tomorrow, probably similar. Maybe some cleaning. I've been reading things about poetry and that has been nice.

I'd like to say that my year was uneventful, but at least three things happened. I started riding a scooter, that I own and have had to learn the ins and outs of maintaining. I became impatient with the time and money the car test was taking up, so I gave up trying and did the basic bike training. I think the decision was driven by how much riding a bicycle to work sucked. I was commissioned to soundtrack a game. That project is nearing completion ... though, that has been a struggle the past couple of months, being stuck, pulling myself together, getting stuck again. I stopped taking my SSRI, which has changed me significantly. But for all the significance of the decision, that one is easy to forget. I'm not too different outwardly, I think. This paragraph was originally all frustration with not having a pattern, because there weren't three things. But there are three! and I'm still fucked, because I have no clue what ties any of this stuff together.

I wrote here that I get manic around this exact date and time, but right now I feel fairly cool and put together. I have a strong idea of what I would like to do between now and September, before my birthday. I stopped taking my meds in mid-june so I suppose it took a while to catch up with me. When it did, it knocked me on my ass like I had a flu, and I was in bed barely doing anything but sleeping or crying. Depressed for sure, in a way like my mother told me it was. A real all-encompassing fog. Right now, I have steps to take, places to be, money to save and places to put it. But a month was eaten by that fog and that terrible feeling. And only half of the time navigating it was devoted to real reflectio, trying to diagnose and digest what was going through my mind. These are still young thoughts. But there are old ones too, that I pulled out of an old journal I went and looked at, that definitely made me cry a lot. Enough that I felt regret for having opened it initially, but now not at all.

I've had designs for a grand arc before, but it didn't end well at all. Not getting caught in what did or didn't work before, sucks. I am incessantly judging myself. Besides the practical things I would like to get up to in the new year, if there's anything I want to call my resolution, it's reining that in. I think that if I get it under control I won't crater again. Or, ideally if I do, and if nothing works out, and I'm still in the same place this time next year, it won't feel so bad. It won't be so crushing. Do you ever forget what momentum is? I think I forgot, for a year or so, or maybe for longer. And then I spent a week puking all the feelings out, and I'm okay again.

I hope you're doing okay too, Paralogue.