paralogue.org

Here in the UK it is the 26th of December, 0135 AM at time of writing, aka boxing day. Let's reflect on what we were up to and how you're feeling right now, maybe how your week has gone.

My christmas was very small, spent with my family. I was feeling rough last week, and only just pulled myself together in time to enjoy the celebration. Even now I still feel a little, something, but it doens't matter for this post. Something for the New years thread. On Christmas Eve we ordered a feast of chinese food. My mother decided to push to give it a try last year instead of cooking a huge roast dinner, as she had for years before, and it seems to be partly for cost, and partly for convenience. And we ordered a hell of a lot of food, enough to last for the rest of the week. The place we order from is, to be honest, extremely scuffed. A lot of items look extremely similar, have almost the same sauces, no strong distinction between savory and sweet. It all sort of blends together and it finally became a problem when we got the order and had to distinguish between everything. To say it is anglicized would be to rob it of some really peculiar properties.

We all ate together and were chatty and joked around in the living room with the television in the background. Christmas is probably the most conversational holiday we really have together. For some reason Any Which Way You Can was on TV and so I watched it and was really baffled by it, and my mother explained that it's one of those movies that you watch at Christmas even though its not all that related, maybe not even that good, a cult-y thing. I would have to see the first movie to say anything other than "that was weird.", weird and quiet but not like, literally, like the soundscape. I dunno. It is so silly to be describing the sequel to the clint eastwood + orangutan movie like this.

We did gifts yesterday, usually my younger sibling goes up to the tree and hands everything out, then we all take turns opening our gifts up and showing off for pictures. Everything has to be recorded, of course. We have a harddrive full of videos and pictures of just about every birthday and holiday. I got a nice hefty lock for my scooter, a CO2 monitor that I am already making use of, and a bunch of socks and underwear. And a bottle of port! :D But this is just what I recieved directly from the family. I also recieved some games: Cogmind, Dwarf Fortress, and Powerwash Simulator. I am honestly most excited about getting back into dorf fort, but cogmind is very compelling, and I'm two deaths in so far. And besides all that, I recieved another gift that I will make a whole thread about next month.

When I wake up, I'd like to start going through albums posted in the best-of-2024 thread. Maybe I'll run out before the end of January. I hope you had a nice christmas, paralogue.

I completely forgot one very important detail: a lot of my christmas day was spent watching Ross' Game Dungeon. God I love that guy.

I'm glad you get a conventional Christmas, @sinku. I mean, as long as the conversation is nice, don't you still get the warm fuzzies?

It's the second year now that I've spent Christmas with my girlfriend. Last year we weren't quite dating yet, and this year it feels like it makes "more sense," you know? Like, I was a random guest last time. This year there seems to be more pretense for getting to know who I am. Likewise, I was trying to get to know who these people were.

My partner and I had already spent the past few days doing prep for the church's Christmas celebrations, helping with the cooking and all that. We served for both the Eve and the day of, and I felt weirdly proud of our graceful performance on the day of. We were short staffed and had to merge some roles and we still managed to move in synchrony, not really forget anything, keep ourselves calm. I felt really moved by both sermons. The night before Christmas I was up until 5am-ish, maybe 6am, because of a party next door, so I was weakened constitutionally — emotions were closer to the surface. And I felt really grateful to know these people, to share these people with her. Things felt really "right" for a second, but ... I felt also sort of burdened? That is, the second sermon was about how we are called to be the joyful ones even if the world forgets. That if no one knows what Christmas is we still set the example, bring it into people's lives. I felt really sad about that, that when the people in my life are fighting I still have to constantly try, constantly try to be the presence that reconnects. I feel often like all I do is alienate and destroy things. My own abrasiveness gets in the way of actually connecting with people. I feel like it's a difficult thing to wrestle with.

But Christmas with her also showed me what these occasions can feel like. I felt like I was able to ask comparatively personal questions and just get a sense of how everyone understood each other, and also showed a bit of what I myself am like. I got a few gifts from my girlfriend, too, and traded a few earlier in the day with some friends. It's just that near the end of the day I started to really feel woozy — after the exhaustion and the alcohol I feel like my immune system was giving up on me. Today I feel kinda crappy. Hopefully tomorrow I don't. I'm just taking care of myself now and attending to some alone time.

i honestly just spent christmas with my wife lounging around in pajamas. we made it through half of this six-hour video about every nes game without a japanese release, and then we made chicken schnitzel and roasted potatoes for our christmas dinner. it turned out really good!


my roommates have been visiting their own families for this season of christmas celebrations, and now that i'm paired up and stuff, i guess they didn't bother with inviting me (or us) along. but that's fine, i think. i dunno. i guess i don't place much value in christmas these days. as someone who struggles with gift-giving i find it really stressful, and all the festivities just remind me of how far removed i am from my family and from my formative years. i've honestly always cared a lot more about new year's, both because it ends up being a time of reflection about how the past year has gone, and because i usually try my best to make some plans to do something around that time… and where i end up tends to encapsulate who i am and what i care about pretty well.

That is an incredible pile of food, watermoon. Thats mushroom pepper gravy right? It all looks very good. Maybe lounging around with the one you love is good enough. the last christmas I had that was a real event is years and years behind me. But I cant say I wouldnt be a little sad about not getting invited anywhere if it were on the table...

maru wrote:

I'm glad you get a conventional Christmas, @sinku. I mean, as long as the conversation is nice, don't you still get the warm fuzzies?

I do and I cherish the feeling. My reflex starting this post was, oh, yeah I was feeling good in spite of this big swirl of negativity. But I had to stop myself. I spent a lot of the month leading up to it feeling like a basket case. But christmas eve arrived and I unwound all at once, almost like I just slept something off. And now, I'm not winding back up the same way. It's nice. The emotional reps are paying off. Still going to sleep at 5am though, which is no good.

I hope you are continuing to enjoy your rest. Even though it wore you out, your christmas sounds like it was very sweet.

watermoon wrote:

i've honestly always cared a lot more about new year's, both because it ends up being a time of reflection about how the past year has gone, and because i usually try my best to make some plans to do something around that time… and where i end up tends to encapsulate who i am and what i care about pretty well.

Part of what had me such a mess was all the reflection. digesting old and new emotions put through an afterburner. lots of work that I don't think wouldve been good to take in one big shot a day or so out from the 31st. I dont think I usually get sad this time of year, more manic the closer to new years eve I get. I'll have to think about it more to say where it's rooted, though.

sinku wrote:

watermoon wrote:

i've honestly always cared a lot more about new year's, both because it ends up being a time of reflection about how the past year has gone, and because i usually try my best to make some plans to do something around that time… and where i end up tends to encapsulate who i am and what i care about pretty well.

Part of what had me such a mess was all the reflection. digesting old and new emotions put through an afterburner. lots of work that I don't think wouldve been good to take in one big shot a day or so out from the 31st. I dont think I usually get sad this time of year, more manic the closer to new years eve I get. I'll have to think about it more to say where it's rooted, though.

I sort of take Christmas as the more reflective time. I inadvertently get into that mood anyway, so why not point it at something? Usually I look backward and think about what actually occurred this year, what I want to keep in mind for next year ... I think a lot about my parents this time each year, and I feel like I have the same calls with my sisters over and over wishing that we could just do something together, wondering why we can't, how it got like this, whether Christmas means anything at all, where I got the idea ...

Honestly I want to be free of it. I don't want to be controlled by my childhood relationship to my parents anymore, and it's been sticking its head out way too much.